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the call to pastor- part 1

2011-10-03T15:32:00.003-05:00

Recently I've been meeting with three students who have shown an interest in learning how to pastor, as they each feel a specific call from God to one day do so. We've been meeting for a few weeks now, and I can say with confidence that I am enjoying the specific conversations we've been having surrounding a subject woven deep into the very fibers of who I am. And that subject is the call to pastor. I've taken a good amount of notes throughout our conversations, and decided to post some of the thoughts we've been talking about. I hope those who are responding to God's call on their life to pastor will find the next series of blog posts helpful.

I guess before you can conclude that "yes... I am called to pastor", you first need to be aware of the reality that not everyone is called to pastor. I personally think the reason we have so many churches across the nation closing their doors for the last time, is because many people who are pastors were never called to be a pastor to begin with. Certainly they are called to be a lover of the church, and a tool for people. And there is no doubt in my mind that many have a genuine, authentic, contagious love for Christ. But those clues are not enough probable cause for one to assume he is called.

James 3:1 warns us that not many should teach [the word], because teachers are judged more severely.

Before those boys in my office were taught how to be a pastor, they were asked the tough question: are you sure that you are called to be a pastor? I certainly couldn't make that decision for them. I will not be held accountable- they will. Because of that, I am probably more hesitant and slow-moving right off the bat of someone showing an interest in pastoring. Maybe it's because I went to Bible college, and I've just seen one too many future businessmen and future school teachers declare a pastoral ministry because it sounded interesting. Or maybe I've seen one too many people enter the ministry because their Nana told them hundreds of times that they were going to make a great pastor one day.

James 3:1 is a warning to those who want to try this pastor thing out one day. It is a warning to those who can't wait to give a church congregation a piece of their mind when they get their shot. It's a warning to those who see a pastorate as something they'll one day take the reigns of to keep the family ministry heritage alive.

I guess, what James is trying to say is this: If you can do anything else and be happy, do that thing. Because pastoral ministry is not for the faint of heart. It is not a vocational decision. It's not a hobby. It's not a skill. It's a calling. Are you truly called to be a pastor?

i exalt thee

2010-08-18T17:11:00.003-05:00

Have you ever had something overwhelm you with the nearness of God? For me it is a certain worship song that I have grown up loving titled "I Exalt Thee." I'm sure most of us who have grown up in church attach ourselves to a certain nostalgia with this song. But as of late this song has been one of the most successful vehicles for driving me into worship of God. The tipping point for my sudden attachment to this song was at my wedding. Danielle and I knew that we wanted to have a section of our wedding ceremony dedicated to worshiping God, and this song was one of two songs we had some friends of ours lead. I don't know if it was how suddenly I realized what was happening or it was the relief that that day was finally here, but when that song started to play, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness. The presence of God was so strong on my most significant day. The best way I can think to describe it is that the nearness of God was so palpable. I felt like I could reach out and touch it. Most memories fade into a faint distant recollection of experience, but when I reflect back on this day, it's like I'm back there at that alter standing in my suit next to my soon to be wife, looking up at red brick wall I was standing in front of, with warm tears uncontrollably streaming down my cheeks. All I could think to mutter was thank you Jesus. I must have said those three words 50 times during the two song worship set, but I'm telling you I meant those words.

Now whenever I hear that song, "I Exalt Thee" my mind takes me back to that hot late afternoon, and I am once again overwhelmed with thankfulness to God.

what makes Jesus difficult

2010-08-04T09:34:00.005-05:00

What makes Jesus difficult is that he is going to go after our hearts. Most of us don't want him to do that. We would rather work for Jesus. We'd rather commit to doing all sorts of good things and being a good person (our definition of a good person at least), Just as long as he leaves our heart alone. So it looks like this: Jesus, I'll go to church twice a week, I'll give my tithe regularly and offering often, read my Bible everyday, not watch rated-R movies, lead a small group, I won't do this, I will do this.... just leave my heart alone!" We do not like it when Jesus presses on and snoops around our heart with the intent to expose core issues.

The problem with this whole idea is that God is not interested in the things we do for Him if we don't have the heart to back it up. We see this scattered throughout scripture. In Isaiah, God refers to Israel as a people who honor Him with their lips, but their hearts are far from Him. Many times God comments on how much He hated their sacrifices and fasting, because their hearts were not on the same playing field. We even read in the gospels how Jesus would approach the ones you would least likely expect needing correction and confront them concerning how wicked their hearts were. The heart is very important to God.

Since God's operation on the heart can be so uncomfortable, most of us busy ourselves with good things (ministry, prayer, fasting, etc.) in order to disguise the fact that we have never dealt with the area of our heart that God has revealed. We'd rather wake up an extra half hour early and do our devotions than confess and repent of that secret sin, or forgive that person that hurt us. We go extra lengths with outward works in order to secretly nurse our core heart issues. But again, God is not enamored with the outward appearance like people are. Right actions with the wrong heart is in no way pleasing to God. A scheme like this has the potential to fool everyone around us and make the most pious men proud of us, but we will never have the ability to fool God. Actions do not hide our hearts from God. God still sees it and will not be satisfied until we let Him have it.

new iphone wallpaper

2010-07-20T15:59:00.003-05:00

genuine

2010-05-17T16:55:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking the last few days about being genuine. Of course this word is probably very familiar to you. This word is not new by any stretch of the imagination- especially in the church world. It's one of those over-used words pastors use to describe everything. It's up there with relevant and life-changing. Genuine is one of those words that churches everywhere would use to describe themselves as. "We are a genuine church with genuine values presenting genuine talks through genuine creativity" Meanwhile, they all look the same, their values change to correlate with the current seasons fads, and every sermon series is ripped from LifeChurch.

This word has been on my mind lately, because I think this word should lived out. I'm not talking about being perceived to be lived out. Honestly I could care less if we ever uttered the word genuine ever again. I just want the local church to actually be genuine. Be someone other than what they see other churches being. I feel like we are sacrificing the foundation of consulting with God about who we are and who we reach to appear cool and trendy.

Being recognized for your ingenuity and innovation should not be your goal. God gave the church creativity not to compete and jockey for spotlight, but instead to reach a dying gasping world. I'm glad that churches all across the nation are feeding the poor and spreading the gospel, but sometimes I question the motives. Is it because we genuinely love the Lord and want to do His work, or are we more focused on heightening our popularity and investing in our reputation? If you stretch the truth on Twitter about your Sunday morning numbers or even feel the compulsion to post them every week, I would seriously recommend taking an inventory of your motives. Are you really genuine when you minister? Do you do the things you do to make God famous or you famous?

feels like christmas

2010-05-04T14:36:00.002-05:00

My life is about to change forever. In only one month and one week I will be married. I finally got used to introducing Danielle to people as my fiance and now it's changing again. I am so excited. I hear that you're supposed to get nervous about this time before you get married. I must be a late bloomer, because I am not even a little nervous right now. I am anxious, excited and impatient, but not nervous.

Now that I am in the 11th hour the best I can describe the feeling is the way the atmosphere changed after Thanksgiving when you were a kid. All of a sudden you allowed yourself to listen to all the Christmas music you could handle, ate dinner quickly so you were finished in time to watch all the Christmas specials on network TV, and began reading your gift list out loud, just in case your parents forgot what you wanted. It feels like moments before Christmas. So excited, it's hard to sleep.

my first diet: wrapping up

2010-01-20T09:15:00.002-06:00

I finished my Special K diet and in the end I ended up gaining 4 lbs. I don't know how that's possible, but I was so mad I quit the whole thing. Right after that I began a Daniel fast for something totally unrelated to this. A Daniel fast is where you withold from eating anything other than fruits, vegetables, nuts and natural things of that sort. I've been on the fast for nearly a week and have lost 10 lbs. Now I'm not fasting in order to lose weight, but I will definitely agree that the weight loss is a perk when fasting. I am also still running as much as possible- probably about 4 times a week for at least 20 minutes.

current weight: 170 lbs

trinity

2010-01-17T11:27:00.002-06:00

I've been musing on Philippians 3:3 for the past few days and just cannot get past the beautiful picture of the Trinity in it.

Philippians 3:3 says: For we are the circumcision, who worship by the Spirit of God and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh—

What Paul is saying in this text is that those who are truly Christ followers, or truly circumcised not by the outward physical cutting, but through a true and radical internal heart transformation, will carry out the following tell-tale signs laid out in the back half of the passage. True Christ followers will worship by the Spirit of God. This can be translated into "will worship God through the Spirit". The truly circumcised person will also glory and revel in Jesus. What has just been laid out is the perfect 3-point outline for how to practically include the Triune God (three in one, and also one in three) into your daily life. We worship God the Father through God the Holy Spirit, and glory in the greatness of God in God the Son.

Perhaps my favorite part of this verse is the fact that Paul doesn't end there. He also includes a disclaimer for all true Christ followers. He says to include in your worship to God, through God, in God a complete awareness that our ability has nothing to do with this. The greatness of God is not bound by our competance and never will be.

I just thought this was a nice thought and wanted to pass it along.

my first diet: revisited

2010-01-11T17:20:00.005-06:00

Yes, I am still dieting. I will say that this is going different than I imagined it. There are many reasons why this is true. For starters, I've never been much of a snacker. I've always avoided snacking out of a love for my three square meals a day. I guess it's not really fair to call them meals. They were more like feasts. Yea. I enjoyed my three square feasts a day. Now-a-days with this diet in full scale, I am always hungry, because two bowls of cereal and a sensible dinner each day doesn't constitute as a feast. Not even if you add them all together. Needless to say, I am starving a good portion of my day.

I will not lie to my readers (I do have readers don't I? Echo...echo...echo). I have cheated a few times on this diet. I'm finding it easy to cheat. Again, this is my first diet. I've done plenty of spiritual fasts, but never dieting. When you cheat on a fast, you feel terrible. The guilt you have after cheating on a fast compared to the guilt you have after cheating on a diet does not even begin to compare.

All that said I am losing weight. And then gaining it back again. And then losing it again. In fact my weight is fluxuating so much I think it's begining to mess with my equalibrium. I will step on the scale in the morning to find that I am the same weight only to step on a few hours after breakfast to witness a three pound loss. I think I weight the most in late afternoon and the least right before I go to bed. It makes no sense at all, but at least the last thing I see at night is a smaller number on that scale. That helps me feel better as I devour a midnight snack, and not quite as guilty as a awake in a bed with candy wrappers spread all over it.

current weight: 173 lbs

a haunting question

2010-01-07T10:04:00.003-06:00

This week Northplace Church has provided an intense week of prayer by opening their doors throughout the week and offering 3 blocks of time each day for prayer. As one of the pastors employed at this church, I am at these prayer sessions praying over prayer requests written by various members of our congregation. I was praying for a card requesting the spiritual maturing of our church in 2010, when God interrupted my prayer to speak to me. He asked me a question that I haven't been able to shake since He asked it. This is what He asked me:

If you made up every person of your church's congregation, would you be a healthy church?

The question stopped me dead in my tracks. Our church is made up of two levels; the bottom floor, and an over-arching balcony. I was pacing back and forth in this balcony. After the question was asked I looked down from the balcony at all the chairs on the bottom floor and imagined myself in every chair on a Sunday morning. That's when conviction started to set in.

As I was thinking about how to answer God's question, He started answering it for me.

"Well, I can tell you one thing. Your the church certainly wouldn't grow, since you never invite anyone new to church. And you don't really have any relationships outside of the church- at least not meaningful ones."

All of a sudden my stomach ached.

"And sometimes you give 100% of yourself in worship, but most of the time you don't. So I think it's safe to assume that worship would not be the priority of this church."

God went on and on with specific rebuke after specific rebuke. Needless to say, I put down the index card with the prayer request for a mature congregation and began praying for my own maturity in 2010.

The reason I post this is because I would like you to ask yourself the same question during this new decade. Sometimes we can just assume that we are right where we need to be, because of position, status, or perception. Let's be candidly honest with ourselves in 2010.

If you made up every member of the church you attend right now, would it be a healthy, vibrant, growing church?

my first diet

2010-01-04T15:30:00.004-06:00

I'm not really much of a New Year's resolution type of guy, but this year I have made a few adieus to 2009 and will be making some changes in 2010. For starters I am changing the way I eat. I was always one of those guys that could eat whatever I wanted and not gain an ounce, but as of late that is a pony that has lost its trick. Now I must be health conscious, carb conscious, calorie conscious and too-late-to-eat conscious. I have to be honest... this is taking some getting used to, but it can and will be done. I refused to be that skinny/fat guy. You know the guy. He is skinny everywhere except for his belly. I'm turning into that guy if I don't prevent it now.

That is why I am on, and have been officially been on since January 1st, the Special K Challenge. A bowl of Special K for breakfast and then again for lunch with a healthy dinner of my choosing, is supposed to sponge away 6 lbs every 2 weeks. My goal is to get on this diet for 6 weeks and lose at least 15 lbs. I will also supplement this diet with running and muscle building throughout the week.

Current and starting weight: 177 lbs

I will post updates on how this is going.

robert

2009-11-22T12:09:00.004-06:00

This morning I met a 75-year-old man named Robert. Of course this wasn't the first time our paths have crossed; he volunteers in the parking lot ministry I coordinate every Sunday morning. Other than a "hi" and "bye" and an occasional "how many parking spaces do we have left?" I've never really said much to Robert before. Today he ended up serving next to me in the West end of the parking lot. We began having small talk about the weather the holidays and how we came to be at Northplace church, but that quickly evolved into deep heart-searching conversation.

It was undeniably refreshing. We talked about what the Lord was speaking to each of us. Robert began to speak into my life. He encouraged me through scriptures I've heard all my life. The difference with Robert, though, is that these scriptures meant something to him. He had an authoritative gumption in how he carried himself when he talked about God, referencing Him through scripture. You see, to Robert, scripture was not just cute little saying embroidered on pillows. It was much more intoxicating than that. It was evident that these very scriptures were his life support. That's exactly the way I want to be. I want the Word of God to stay that important to me when I am 75.

There are 50 years separating Robert and I and yet I feel like I connected with a close friend. That really got me thinking. This is the way it is supposed to be. Christians come together every Sunday morning not to fill up chairs, and pay for a building or a program. It's so much more than that. We come to church, because we are the church. We need to slow down on Sundays and encourage each other as I was encouraged this morning. I learned that I spend far too much time on Sunday's bogged down in the details and far too less time dedicated to the body.

I hope this encourages you to do an inventory on your Sunday schedule.

uzzah

2009-11-16T09:03:00.002-06:00

Recently I reread through the life of David in search of leadership and spiritual principles. Probably one of the most memorable stories for me is when David decides to bring the arc of the covenant back to the city of God's people, back to the tent of meeting. I'm sure many have read the account of Uzzah and how he was one of the few chosen to transport the ark from Baalah in Judah to the newly established Jerusalem. If you've read 2 Sam 6, you remember that David had his men put the arc onto an ox cart to transport. This was, however, a mistake because the Israelites were commanded by God to move the arc in a very specific way by Levitical priests serving as pole bearers hoisting the arc up in the air. The idea to put it on an ox cart was a method practiced by the Philistines- no doubt a method learned by David living in Gath for almost a third of his life.

This story causes much discomfort for many Christians, because it is a story about God striking Uzzah dead in response to him steadying the arc as the oxen stumbled. If you think about it, bracing the arc was the most natural reaction a person would have. When something is about to fall, especially something as valuable as the arc of the covenant, a person would leap over a wall to try and stop it from crashing down.

But God killed Uzzah.

This is a very involved and poignant story of the Bible. Doesn't really flatter the flannegragh board. Of course the message of this historical account is that David knew the correct way to transport the arc and in disobedience to bring the arc in a more economical and inventive way David pays for his sin. And a lot of the time you are not the only person that goes through pain when you sin.

But perhaps God is telling us more. Throughout Christian history the world has suffered through followers of God trying their best to prop God up when in actuality He doesn't need any propping up. The story of Uzzah's unfortunate death should be a heart-startling reminder that it is not our place to prop up God. It is God's place to prop up us. There have been too many preachers exaggerating miracles. There have been too many creating faith through hype. There have been too many defending the church through means of public broadcast or picketing with signs. There have been too many trying to speak for God when they don't have the answers. There have been too many going to war with the enemies of God when God never asked them to.

You were not created to fight God's battles. God knows what he is doing and isn't depending on you to hold him up and protect His reputation.

from athens to corinth

2009-10-14T15:50:00.003-05:00

I was reading about Paul's account of his visit to Mars Hill in Athens. This was the city that had that altar offered to the "unknown god". Anyway after I read it I was reflecting on the audience that Paul was speaking to. At this time Athens was the intelligentsia of the 1st century world. Finally Paul had an opportunity to speak to an audience that matched his caliber of intellect. Paul's mind was brilliant and his ability to articulate it was just as brilliant. At last! A chance to test his wits and meet these big shots right where they were.

However, most theologians consider Paul's message to the Athenians an utter failure. He walked away from that message with only two conversions. I don't know this to be true, but I think this to be true: Paul had to have left that moment feeling like a total failure. Since Paul was a "get it done and get it done now" type of guy, I don't think two conversions really set well with him. As the dust settled, I'm sure Paul, like most pastors after a sermon, took time to reflect on all that he said and all that he could have said better and all that he wanted to say but forgot to say. Paul preached about so many things that day. He preached about God as a creator setting everything in motion. He told the Athenians that God was the one true God and that their idols are nothing more than carved lifeless images. He even talked about repentance. He preached about everything you could think of...

except for the cross!

He never brought up the cross. He talked about Christ's resurrection, but never once about the cross. There's not one mention Jesus' sacrifice. There's not one mention of the atonement of his blood. There's not one mention of God sending His only son to the slaughter in order to replace our sins.

Now skip forward into Paul's life where we see him plant the church of Corinth. Paul is a different man in Corinth than he was in Athens. We see a more broken man, not committed to articulating the gospel in an impressive way, but solely committed to the full story of redemption. I love that famous line we read in 1st Corinthians:

Ch. 2 Vs. 1-2: And I, brethren, when I came to you, did not come with excellence of speech or of wisdom declaring to you the testimony of God. For I determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified.

I can hear Paul saying to the Corinthians:
"I didn't come to you with lofty words or polished speeches in order to impress."
With tears forming in his eyes,
"No" he says. "I tried that at Athens."

I for one am relieved that Paul's account at Athens is recorded. How many times have I walked onto the pulpit behind that microphone and delivered a message that was all head and no heart. How many hours have I spent trying to find the perfect story or example while barely spending any time praying for the audience of that same message? How much thought have I put into the wording of my manuscript, the manner of my stage presence, and even the look of my wardrobe? How many sermons were wasted because I was trying to impress a crowd? God, forgive me for having my priorities flipped on their back.

To those of you who are in a platform of ministry and carry the heavy sacred responsibility of speaking for God, learn from Paul in his words to Corinth. Learn that just because you may be under the lights and for a moment have the ears of your audience... it is never about you! Never forget to place where preaching the word becomes secondary. Determine in your heart to not know anything except Jesus Christ and Him crucified.

hampster wheel

2009-10-06T13:17:00.002-05:00

I am a pastor. The reason I do what I do is for God, because of God, and only accomplished through God. But sometimes I can become so absorbed into my work that God becomes an afterthought. God becomes an element of what I do instead of its very foundation. I am embarrassed for even admitting to this, but every once in a while this happens to me. I can always tell when I lose my focus and the motives of ministry become cloudy. Anytime I get into this place I am tired and overwhelmed with frustration, because nothing I try to accomplish seems to land. At times like these I'm a hamster running on a wheel. My legs have run a marathon, but they haven't taken me anywhere.

As our age increases with technology and information, the ministry bar is in rapid ascent. This is not a bad thing, but a good and healthy thing. That is if your foundation is in alignment. In other words, centered on and relying totally on God. When that focus is moved even a few clicks off center... well, that's when you begin to work harder than you have ever worked only to stay put in the spot you currently are. Some may be able to make seemingly quick strides in ministry, but will eventually fall by the wayside, and it's because God has lost His place in their life. If we are going to make any kind of impact for Him, we are going to have to stay completely dependant upon Him. No matter how talented we are, who we have on our staff, what magazine awards our innovation, or how many hours we put into our ministry, God must be our air supply. If he is not we are nothing more than a ministry fad. I have seen a ton of rockstar pastors have moral failures and it is because somewhere along the lines God got reprioritized. I would have to be a fool to exclude myslef from the possibility of this happening. God must be my air supply.

No wonder God tells us, the tired and weary, to come to Him, because His yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matt 11). When we are tired and weary and frustrated and beat up and hopless and needing a win in life and rethinking if we were ever called to begin with- it is these times that communicate to us that we need to regain our focus and make it about Him again. When we are putting 100 percent of our energy into ministry and seem to be making no difference at all, it is probably an indicator that God has been reprioritized. You are tired and weary. It's time to get off the hamster wheel and and instead of running in place, run to Him. We can't help but be successful when we rely on Him the way we did when we started this thing. The only difference in this kind of success and the success you hope to get on the hamster wheel is that you may not get the credit... He will.

He DESERVES the credit.

I think too often those involved in ministry use the scipture in Matthew 11 to minister to others, but rarely allow it to minister to them. Pastors with moral failures, the ones who ran away from the call of God only 5 years into taking a ministerial position, ex-Christians- these were just people who were on the wheel and couldn't swallow enough pride at once to get off and run to Him.

If you are in the ministry and are at a place where you are frustrated because you are constantly working, but are rarley seeing results it may be because the person you are relying on to deliver success is you. Slow down. Revisit priorities and foundations. Do you pray the way you used to? Do you celebrate God the way you used to? Are you too tired to lift your hands to Him anymore? Do you do too much and trust too little? Are you tired? Are you weary? Come to Him.

cardio (part 2): heart begets behavior

2009-08-04T15:44:00.002-05:00

(continued from cardio part 1)

You might be thinking, as it is our natural tendency to do (1 Samuel 16:7), Wait! Doesn’t that stuff matter though? Of course it is important. I mean if we weren’t chastened by a socially expected behavior then we would have Christians rampaging with license to do anything they wanted, assuring themselves that God isn’t concerned with the fact that they are womanizers, have regular fits of rage in public squares, or just plain cruel to people. Behavior naturally follows suit of whatever it is that resides in your heart to begin with. If you allow bitterness into your heart, the behavior of unforgiveness is the sure to emerge. If you allow your heart to house lust, you’re going to eventually see a behavior change. Lust in your heart will lead to lust in your actions.

We cannot get around this obvious relationship between our heart and our behavior. Why then am I suggesting that we not make these good, upright behaviors our priority? Because behavior does not beget heart. Heart begets behavior. We cannot change from the outside in. That is impossible. We must change from the inside out. Jesus is not content with the temporary solution of managing our outward self to give off the impression that our inward self is just as dazzling. We can work the entirety of our life to make all the right decisions, exude all the behaviors attributed to the godly, and even look the part of someone truly devoted to Him, and still have the most shallow of affections toward Him. All that working from the outside in accomplishes is fooling everyone around you into believing that you are an über Christian. And that does absolutely nothing for God. Again, He is after your heart.

cardio (part 1): what i've been conditioned to believe

2009-08-04T13:04:00.002-05:00

God is only after one thing. And that one thing isn’t what I have grown up thinking it was. I have been conditioned to believe that God was after my appropriate behavior. I’ve spent over two decades investing into this idea that God is after what I do or what I don’t do for Him; or what I say or don’t say; or even how I dress or the type of music I listen to.

Really though… can you blame me? Pastors and parishioners have been telling me this since before I can remember- as if it were a lulling mantra chanted to transform me into the right kind of guy. The kind of guy that doesn’t drink beer, smoke cigars, have sex before marriage, lie to his boss, cheat on his taxes, pirate music, watch R-rated movies, use swear words in the punch line of his jokes, or have Eminem songs hidden in the archives of his iPod. On the surface there is nothing wrong with this guy. He’s definitely clean cut. You would hardly assess him a risk for the local church- he’s not going to become a blemish to Christianity or embarrass the church he goes to by smoking pot in a field somewhere. He seems to be the poster child for the type of drone God is looking for.

However, that assumption is way off.

God is not after the condition of your reputation. God is not after the condition of your behavior. God is after the condition of your heart! He always has been, He currently is, and He always will be utterly consumed, unstoppably driven and completely obsessed with the condition of your heart!

rockstar

2009-07-30T11:34:00.003-05:00

I've been musing over the past few years on getting to know God. Not just saying that I know God, or believing that I know God, but actually in the truest and purest way, actually and genuinely knowing God. This past January I was blessed to publish a book about getting honest with ourselves and taking an inventory on our relationship with God. Getting our presumptions dirty and finding out if we know God as organically and robustly as we say we do. My book, Black Coffee, is a book that journeys through the process of knowing God. In short, how we get to know God? Lately I've been consumed with the question, why do we get to know God?

What started off as a simple unoffensive question has, for me, turned into a beacon that has located the ugliest, most wretched, intentions and motives that have laid dormant and hidden in the deepest parts of my heart. I've always confessed to wanting to be like the David of the Bible. A man after God's own heart. But the question is, am I desiring this to give God glory or myself glory? Am I desiring this because I desperately want to know Him more, or am I just constructing a sturdy foundation for my reputation? I truly believe that there are far more people in the church aspiring to be rockstars in the Kingdom rather than moving it forward. As discouraging as this may sound, there is so much hope in this. If we will begin to not make the assumption that we are after the power of God without the alterior motive of self-seeking ambitions and fame, we can finally make some headway in actually becoming a people like David. A people after God's heart.

I know this is a blog and not a manuscript, so I won't unpack every detail I've been struggling through on this avenue. I do want to leave you with this question that I've been asking myself and God. Please don't let this just be another quote. Let this question pierce straight through your perfect anxiety-free spiritual life. Allow it to seep into the deepest canals of your heart.

Do I want to be famous for loving God, or do I love God in order to be famous?

the budget from hell: unlocking creativity

2009-05-20T10:09:00.005-05:00

Well this is technically the first week that my full throttle, no nonsense, intensified, steroid injected budget from hell is in the works. Last week was sort of a warm up, before I went to cash only. I didn't spend as much as I normally do. I ate peanut butter and jelly for lunch everyday and began the grudging process of warming up a tv dinner, taking it out of the microwave to stir and then warming it up again. I have to admit right now this is hard to do. I feel like it takes 20 minutes just to cook a snack. I will get used to this though. No one ever said this budget would be easy.

I am noticing that this budget is beginning to change the way I think. For starters I'm beginning to think about each and every purchase. Going to a weekly spending limit while retiring the safety net of your debit card enlightens a person to exactly how much money he wasted on things he simply did not need.

I'm not delirious enough to believe that everyone is chomping at the bit to read these updates on my budget. My reason for posting my budget progress is to show the world that it can be done. I used to sit and stew for hours about how little I perceived my net worth to be, but now I realize that was just the response of a lazy martyr. God created us with a spark of His very own creativity, and creativity is usually birthed out of an uncomfortable situation. The boundaries of this budget are unlocking a creativity in my spending I never knew I had. I owe it to myself and God, not to stall out everytime I feel bogged down with my weekly expenses, but to instead creatively draw an exit to my situation.

chicago cubs

2009-05-13T09:43:00.004-05:00

Every now and again I can be completely oblivious to my own wretchedness. If I was to totally disarm myself I would admit to you that this happens a lot more than I care to describe. It embarrasses me. It totally nullifies this great idea I always bring up to myself; this idea that says I'm ok. I'm a good person. Whenever I am confronted on an issue, or find myself doing something I promised myself I'd never do I am forced to look at who I really am in a mirror that doesn't flatter (James 1:22-24).

I so badly wish I could rid myself of my wretchedness. I've tried over and over again but there doesn't seem to be an existing remedy. I feel like the Chicago Cubs starting over a hundred new seasons without ever winning the World Series. Of course at the beginning of the season I have high hopes that this will be the year, but somewhere in the not-to-far back of my mind I know this this is just a pipe dream.

Even Paul had these inner demons that pioneered a constant irritation to his spirit. In Romans 7 he transparently confesses that he doesn't fit the profile of a superstar pastor in the limelight of the public eye. In this intimate letter to the church in Rome, Paul spills his conflicted emotions onto its pages by admitting that the very things he wants to do he doesn't do. And to make things worse, he can't even manage to commit to not doing the things that he doesn't want to do. In another letter he finds solace in the fact that without, what he describes as, his thorn in the flesh he would become bigoted and most likely not even need God. So I guess you could say that the thorn itself was the remedy he had been searching for.

I guess what I've been so thankful for lately (and which eventually sparked this blog) is not that I can now compare myself to Paul and not feel so bad about my own wretchedness. That is not the intention of that scripture. But instead I can pursue Paul's repented response. I don't ever want to get to a place where I look into the mirror of the Word of God and see the most undesirable parts of my life, and, in turn, walk away from it completely forgetting who I really am, like James warns. Instead I desire to have my heart replicate the heart of God by breaking the moment I discover my wretchedness. I know that I can never be perfect, without any trace of sin here in this life, but I do want this to tear me apart inside. I believe an outlook like this makes the heart that much more anxious to repent and the ears that much more tuned into what God is speaking.

One day I will be with my creator and I will no longer have to struggle with my wretchedness. And one day the Cubs will win the World Series.

the budget from hell: death to convenience

2009-05-07T16:05:00.009-05:00

I am 25 years old. Apparently I was supposed to graduate into the arena of an adult a few years back. I would imagine that you never quite feel like a "grown-up" until you have one of your own nuclear families (Dad, mom, 3 kids, the cat, the dog, and the white picket fence). However...even though I don't really see myself as old as I saw my dad when he was this age, I am stepping deeper today into the land of maturity. I settled it today. I am going on a budget.

Now before you think of me as some ignorant kid who has never had the motor skills necessary to plan and form a monthly spending limit, let me make it clear that I've been down this road many times. I know what it is like to have to watch your friends at work eat beautiful Chinese take-out, as you try and rock a Tyson T.V. dinner whispering to yourself "this is delicious, this is delicious." I know what it is like having to say no to going to see a movie on opening night opting to see it at the dollar theatre two months later instead. I know what the simple budget entails, and for reasons unknown I treated them all like dieting. They worked for about a month, but I then fell into the same bad spending habits.

This budget is going to be a lot more intense though. I am locking away my debit card and spending only cash now. This is going to pose a problem for my convenience. No longer am I going to be able to eat out every night. Once my cash is gone for that week, my cash is gone. I will continue to update how this is working and effecting my financial life through this blog.

I am nervous about this. It's going to suck. I'm sure it's going to suck. But my plan is save a ton of money to one day do the things I dream of doing. In the words of Dave Ramsey: "I've got to live like no one else, so I can one day live like no one else."

Black Coffee NOW AVAILABLE

2009-04-26T12:01:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone! I am so happy to finally announce that my first book, "Black Coffee: Candidly Rediscovering Friendship With God" is NOW AVAILABLE! You can purchase a copy at any major book distributor, like Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Target and others. Thanks to everyone who encouraged me through the long, grudging process of writing and publishing a book. This literally is a dream coming to pass and I could not have done it with out my friend's and family's persistent support.